YMJen

Early in my youth ministry career, someone told me, “There’s a Savior and you’re not it.”

To me, this simple yet profound statement served as a reminder that while important, my role in a kid’s life is limited and should not surpass that of their parents or their Savior.

More often than not, I do OK at remembering and living this out. But occassionally, I fail miserably at it.

When I fail, it’s usually because I’m struggling with ministry envy. Specifically, this envy typically occurs when one of the kids in my youth ministry, when one of MY kids, tells me something about another youth ministry they’ve attended.

Just this week, I received a Facebook message from one of the kids in my youth ministry who is currently in the midst of a period of rapid spiritual growth, telling me about another youth ministry that she attended last week. She ended the message by saying that this youth ministry was “very different than ours, but different in a good way” and that she thought we should try some of the things they’re doing in their ministry in ours.

In that moment, as I read that message, I forgot that “There’s a Savior & I’m not it.”

And so my ministry envy reared it’s ugly head. As it did, I began to question why this girl thought that this other youth ministry was worth modeling ours after; I questioned why this youth pastor seemed to have connected so well with my kid in one week, when I’ve spent the last year and a half investing in her; And I began to wonder if this girl’s rapid spiritual growth was because of this other youth pastor rather than because of me.

As I reflected on this, I realized that all of my feelings and insecurities pointed to the fact that sometimes, as much as I try to behave and believe otherwise, I really do want to be the Savior for my kids.

Unfortunately, that’s not healthy – for me, or for them.

And I know this. Very much. In fact, I even believe that as a whole, youth ministries need to be less isolationist; Less possessive of “our” kids; And more willing to partner with other churches in order to work together to do what’s best for our youth spiritually.

I even wrote an article about this a few years ago.

Yet, in truth, I have a hard time working with other churches to live this out. In truth, I have a hard time sharing my kids with others.

And this needs to change – for them and for me.

So today I end this blog with a renewed commitment to partner with other churches to do what’s in the best interest of my kids, even if it means sharing them; Even if it means accepting the fact that others may play a tremendously important role in their spiritual growth; And even if it means that “There’s a Savior and I’m not it.”

Throughout Scripture, God uses imperfect losers in incredible ways, something that I think He still does today.

In fact, considering that I am in youth ministry and that God has somehow managed to use me despite all my weaknesses and imperfections, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this truth is still true today.

Despite this, for some reason, I’ve struggled in the past to apply this same truth to my students.

Oh sure, I certainly allow for the fact that God can use my students during various service projects and mission trips but up until this year, I’ve been reluctant to believe that God can use my students to do the up front kind of teaching typically reserved for me, the youth pastor.

While I’ve dreamed for years about having a student led retreat, I’ve routinely used convenient excuses to put this endeavor off.

“My students aren’t ready to lead that kind of content”. “It would be too much work for me to have students lead a retreat session.” “I never want to set my students up for failure so I’ll wait until I’m sure they’ll succeed.” And my personal favorite, “My students don’t know enough about their faith yet to lead a retreat. They’re not spiritually mature enough to help others grow in their faith.”

While I still believe that some of these statements articulate legitimate concerns, this fall, one of the experts that I interviewed for an article I was writing challenged me to rethink this when he talked about how important it is for youth to formally teach other youth in various youth ministry settings. According to him, when we allow youth to do this, both the youth who’s leading the material as well as those who are listening learn more. Why? Because in preparing to teach something, a youth has to learn it for themselves and take ownership of it. In hearing the material, youth always listen more when it’s peer to peer rather than adult to youth.

Not long after hearing this expert, I scheduled a discussion at our youth ministry on world issues, something that many of our kids were eager to talk about. As I began to think through this particular discussion, I contacted Katie, a high school senior and a member of my leadership team, to ask her what sort of world issues she’d like to learn about.

Her response shocked me.

She mentioned several issues and then without my asking, calmly said, “You know, I could lead that one if you want.”

With the words of that pesky expert ricocheting around my brain, I bit back my initial panic, swallowed all my concerns, and restrained the part of me that is naturally a control freak and said, “Sure, that’d be sweet!”

Over the next month and a half, Katie worked to prepare to lead our discussion on world issues, regularly seeking me out for various pieces of advice and to ensure that what she was planning was OK.

The day before her scheduled discussion, we went through the night at length, in detail. As we did, I was amazed at the time and thought that Katie had put into preparing for the night. I was also blown away by her passion for the topic. In response, I gave her a few suggestions and a lot of encouragement.

Tuesday night, Katie led our discussion on world issues. She presented our group with information on child prostitution in Cambodia, the AIDS crisis in Haiti, and the slums of Kenya; linked these issues to Scripture passages about justice and compassion; and then facilitated a discussion about whether or not we, as Christians have a duty to respond and if so, what our youth ministry can do to make a difference regarding these issues.

I’ll admit: The night was rough. There were some technical difficulties; Some poorly phrased questions; A little too much talk and not enough discussion; And some awkward silences.

Yet despite those things, the night was far from a failure. In fact, I’d call it a grand success.

Katie’s peers hung on her every word, stayed focused and on subject during the discussion, and because the challenge to do something about these problems came from one of their own, they left the night with plans to act.

And Katie?

Katie left the night glowing, basking in the praise from both the adult leaders in the room and her friends; Feeling good about being able to challenge her peers to put their faith into action and the fact that they actually came up with two tangible things to do as a result; And having learned far more about these issues and their relationship to her faith from having taught the material than she ever would have had I taught her the material.

Though we still haven’t had a student led retreat, after Tuesday night, I think that such a thing is more within our grasp than I ever thought.

After all, if God can use me to teach youth, despite all my weaknesses and imperfections, then why can’t he use youth to teach each other?

As 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

For years, my husband & I have joked about how at the National Youth Workers Conventions that we attend he needs to either crash the “Youth Pastor’s Wives” seminar or start a “Youth Pastor’s Husbands” seminar.

While we joke about this, the reality is that being a youth pastor’s husband is part of Doug’s identity. Too often, I fear this role robs Doug of his true identity & instead, makes people see him simply as an extension of me & my role, almost as though he were one of my appendages.

We certainly found this to be true at the first church I worked at where the joke was “Oh – we got two for one with Jen & Doug.”

Despite thinking we knew better, this seemed to grow even worse at my second church. There, Doug was even part of my initial interview process (which should have set off some warning bells, but unfortunately did not). Before long, we realized that it was an unspoken, unwritten part of my job description that Doug be at everything I was at – youth events, worship services, church meetings, mission trips, & the like. Though people consistently affirmed his role as a leader in our youth ministry, the reality is that this became taxing on us and burdensome to Doug. Eventually, it caused resentment to build in both of us toward our church.

When the time came for me to move onto another church, Doug & I were very aware of this problem & wanted desperately to establish more healthy boundaries at our new church. Believing this needed to begin before we even started attending elsewhere, every time I got a question last summer during my job hunt regarding, “What will your husband’s role at church and in your ministry be?” I was careful to honestly say, “Doug loves God & most of the time he loves the church. He enjoys serving with me, but he is not who you’re hiring. I am. You’ll have to ask Doug what he’s going to do. It’s up to him.”

Though harsh, this was an important part of establishing a new boundary for our relationship with the church, a boundary that I think is much healthier for us as a couple, for the church itself, and for our perception of and relationship to the church.

Fortunately, we now attend a church that seems to respect these boundaries & value Doug & I separately – me for what I bring to my role as a staff member & Doug for how he supports me & for his role as an ordinary parishioner in the church.

Though Doug has continued to serve with me on Tuesday nights & Sunday mornings (for which I am thankful & blessed!), at our church now, it’s clear that I am the paid youth worker & Doug is one of many adult leaders that serve in our youth ministry. As part of this, this year, for the first time in our married life, Doug did not go on either of my summer trips with me. Instead, parents & leaders stepped forward to serve in this capacity, freeing Doug to reserve his two weeks of vacation time for our actual vacation to New Zealand and allowing him to enjoy two weeks of summer fun to relax, build planes, & fly them. During my time away, I think Doug went to church once, but not every Sunday. Miraculously, that was OK. At our new church, even though I am expected to be in church on a weekly basis, Doug is not. When he is, he is welcomed, greeted, and thanked – simple things that validate his role as a unique individual & part of our faith community.

At no point has this been more clear to me than it was last Sunday, when Doug spoke as part of our Advent emphasis on vocation. Prior to speaking, our Pastor called Doug directly & asked him if this was something he’d be interested in doing. He did not go through me or expect me to answer for Doug. Then when Doug actually spoke, he was introduced simply as “Doug Bradbury”, not as “Doug Bradbury, our youth director’s husband.”

This allowed Doug to speak about his vocation without fear of how it would affect my work. It also enabled people to see him for who he is – an incredibly gifted software craftsman who loves God & loves me enough to support me in this crazy thing called youth ministry.

It’s that identity that I fell in love with and that I want other people to see & love because Doug is worthy of love – not for who I am but for who he is.